Hung out with some close friends on Monday night after flying in from NY, including my cousin and her husband, who'd flown down from Seattle. They'd recently visited Egypt, and my cousin bought me a souvenir there.

"Can't wait til you see it!" she said with a grin of terrifying evil.

Right away I knew it was something dirty. My fricking pervert of a cousin. Out of a bag, she pulled out this clay statue of a bald man with one arm, one leg and one enormous schlong.

According to her, the story behind this guy is that while all the men in his village went off to fight some battle, he stayed behind and impregnated all the women. Apparently the Egyptian gods were player haters, because they punished him by taking away his right arm and left leg - though I'm sure he was able to use his penis as an extra limb.

I'm not even sure that's the real story behind this mysterious groin unicorn. But what was I going to do with this disgusting thing? As it turns out, the one-legged Egyptian penis statue has many uses:




Key Holder.



Olive Pit Remover.



Back Massager.



Viking Weapon.